The Domestic Goddess

Actual Un-retouched Photo of

The-Artist-Formerly Known-As-Mj-Now-Known-As-The-Domestic-Goddess

Philly burbs girl with Fifth Avenue taste on a Target budget. Or maybe it is Target Taste on a Burberry Budget. Either one.

Ever have one of those days where you didn’t get enough sleep, everything goes wrong at once, the kids cry and scream all day, you burn dinner, the tub overflows, the dog barks, the mailman knocks when you are in your pjs with no bra, your laundry is overflowing, your bathrooms need cleaning, you have fifteen phone calls to return, there is a pile of paperwork a month old and your husband got to the credit card bill first? Huh? Did ya? Me neither.

Here’s an example of my disjointed and random mind.  If you get a headache while reading this because I’m jumping around too much, just put your hand on the wall, it stops the spins:

I’ve got more energy than a chinchilla crossed with the Energizer Bunny.  I love potatoes. I love cheese. I love potatoes with cheese. Come to think of it, I love cheese with potatoes. I prefer fruit to chocolate. My kid eats lotion. My dog eats vegetables. I eat the rind of watermelon. I eat raw cookie dough, eggs be darned! I am pretty much obsessed with food.  And yet somehow I manage to stay trim.

The F-word makes my skin crawl. I puke on planes and get car sick. I want to be something when I grow up, I just don’t know what, yet. I cannot live without music and I sing in the hippie guitar group at church. I play the flute and piano.I  listen to Indie music stations.

I need eight hours of sleep, minimum, to act and feel like a human being.I have two children on the spectrum. If you don’t know what that means, I’ll give you a hint. It starts with A- and ends with -utism. My children have seizures. We don’t know why.

I’ve seen every version on Pride and Prejudice on film. No kidding. All of them. Even the Bollywood version. Even the Mormon version. I watch Kevin Smith Films. I like Quentin Tarrantino. I’ve seen Moonstruck so many times I can quote it and recite along with the entire film. The Princess Bride is one of my favorite films of all times.

Things I like: snow, skiiing, reading, potatoes (didI say that again?  My bad.), jeeps, cooking, sleeping, exercising, trees, plants, flowers, learning foreign languages, crossword puzzles, cryptograms, sudoku and logic puzzles (in pen), old movies,  foreign films, teen dramadies, TLC and Discovery Health (especially makeover and surgery shows) and sex (DUH!).

Here’s stuff I don’t particularly love: porn (unless I am in it), lima beans, raw onions, cats (except dead ones), summer weather, mean people (they suck), beer (it tastes like ear wax.  What do you mean, you’ve NEVER accidentally put your pinky in your ear and then in your mouth?  You haven’t?  Uh…me neither.), discussing politics and religion in polite company.

Why the “Domestic Goddess?”: It’s simple, really.  When I began staying home with my kids, I really resented papework that listed my occupation as “homemaker.”  It made my skin crawl. I did not make my home.  Some guy named Carmen did.  So, if there was a blank, I started checking off “self-employed” and writing “Domestic Engineer” or “Domestic Goddess” in its place. I swear to you I do this.  I’ve never, ever been questioned about it.  Except when it comes to IRS paperwork. My husband won’t let me put that down because he thinks we’ll get audited.